What’s one of the biggest causes for problems in a relationship?
This creates tension, miscommunication, feelings of neglect, anger, etc etc etc
Well, after working with lots of singles and couples (and of course having my own personal experiences) the biggest problem is our NEEDS and EXPECTATIONS.
You’re probably thinking:
“no, if he would just spend more time with me and take me on dates more often, we’d be fine”
“if she wasn’t so consumed with her friends all the time and spent more time with me, we’d be fine”
“if he didn’t stare at every girl that walks by and made me feel special, we’d be fine”
Those are horrible examples, I’m aware, but those are real causes for fights in relationships. But what’s really the cause?
It’s not someone’s actions necessarily (unless they’re really disrespecting your on purpose). It’s the fact that we don’t really know what needs we have and are scared or feel like we shouldn’t have needs in a relationship, so we try to just go with the flow and deny ourselves those things or even worse, we just expect the other person to have the same needs and when they’re clueless, we take it personally and feel like our partner is not meeting them to cause us pain.
Why are we so scared to accept that we have needs? Who told us that we should be robots and not need others to meet our needs? The more we deny ourselves and fight the fact that there are certain needs we have that need attention, the more angry and unhappy we’ll become. The only way out is to really understand what need isn’t being met and ask for it to be met.
For me, after learning soo much about myself the last decade, I know that I have a need for Quality Time and Physical Touch (my test results from 5 Love Languages test) and I have a big need for feeling safe, secure, and important. Everything could be going amazing, and I’ll be super busy with exciting projects, but there are moments when my need for safety and security comes up, and I reach out asking for that need to be met. If my guy doesn’t drop what he’s doing and makes me feel important and meets my need for comfort and reassurance, all hell breaks loose. This is something I know about myself and accept about myself. If I don’t stop and get that need met, I can’t focus and ignore it. It becomes a hole that demands attention.
What else, I also need Quality Time. I live a pretty busy life and there’s lots going on and lots of people around, but if I don’t get undivided attention and 100% focus on me from someone I’m trying to connect with, I get upset.
What are some needs that you have that you’re aware of that cause issues in your relationship?
What are some needs you have that you’ve been denying because it makes you feel weak to have those needs and you think that you shouldn’t need someone to meet those?
Please feel free to comment !