There come moments in our lives where we must choose whether to continue certain relationships and keep those people in our lives or not. The fact that we come to point to ask ourselves that question is a number one sign that shouldn’t be ignored. These times are very difficult but these decisions affect more that just our social calendar and how much time we spend with those individuals – it comes down to what we allow in our life & what we settle for.
I’ve always hated the term “To Settle”. Sure, there’s different kinds of settling. Houses settle after a certain period of time, when all of the parts adjust to each other. There’s settling down – when you get over your single, going out days and decide to be in a serious relationship. But the Settling I have an adverse reaction to is the kind where you compromise your needs and wants, and accept what’s in front of you. You settle for less than what you deserve, and I am very against that. Settling is different than compromise though – please don’t confuse the two.
Now, we all know that nobody can MAKE us feel a certain way – it’s all up to us and our belief system that determines how we interpret an action or a situation, but there are circumstances where those actions are stronger than our ability to not let them get to us. In some cases, it’s an opportunity to look within and really try to uncover why it’s affecting you this way, but if the feelings are stronger than your power to control how you interpret those experiences or control how certain things make you feel – the only other option here is to get rid of those situations and not continue to put yourself through the painful or negative moments.
It’s not always easy to see who negatively effects you, but these are the examples in my own life that you may be able to relate to:
1. You Constantly Feel Unimportant & Not a Priority in Someone’s Life – These types of relationships are very normal, and they are typically classified as an “acquaintance”. But what happens when you start a deeper relationship with someone and these are the feelings you get when you reach out in time of need for connection or support and don’t get a reply? When these are the consistent feelings that someone experiences – it’s a sign of a bad relationship – whether romantic or platonic. I was dating an amazing guy recently who was very busy with his own life, had a son and a lot of projects happening. When we did get to spend time together, it was incredible, like nothing around us existed or mattered, time and worries faded away. I’ve never felt so comfortable and at peace around a guy before, and I could open up to him about anything. In person, I received the support I needed. The relationship kept progressing naturally, but when we weren’t together I’d rarely hear from him, even when I’d reach out. Because I’ve opened up so much previously and established that connection, I had an expectation that this person would be close and support me in time of need. I know I do this for people who come that close to me. They’re always on my mind and I try my best to maintain that closeness & connection whether via phone, text, or in person. Whenever he had his son, it was as if I no longer existed. Not to say that I should come before his son – I’d never ask that of a parent – but it was so extreme that there would be weeks with barely any communication. It left me feeling very…neglected. That great bond and open connection we had would be gone by then and I felt like the next time we’d see each other was as if it was re-starting a brand new relationship after a “freeze” period. I had to decide for myself that this unpredictable support and instability was not something I could settle for. Yes, it’s extremely difficult to make decisions like this, but it’s also extremely important for your own self-worth. A part of being a radiant confident you is having the respect and love for yourself to know what you deserve.
2. You Feel Disrespected by Someone Who Ignores Your Needs & Requests – There are certain needs that all of us have. Some of us are more picky and needy than others, but these Musts are there for a reason. When these needs are communicated to someone who you’re in a relationship with, the other person needs to acknowledge them and try their best to meet those needs. The people who belittle or ignore these needs or requests aren’t showing you respect. For me – I’m a big planner. I need to have a rough idea of how my week/day/everything is going to go. It’s one of those things that’s just a Must for me. Not to say that I can’t be spontaneous once in a while, I’ve done plenty of that, but I feel a million times better and in control of my life when I know that I am busy on Friday and Saturday, so that if anything needs to get done by Monday, I am able to get done on one of the free days. I was recently dating a guy who has a fairly predictable schedule, lives and works blocks away from me, but somehow we’d never be able to get to see each other. He’d always text me to see what I’m doing that moment that he wanted to see me, and I would almost always be busy or have other plans already. I’ve explained many times what I require and that if someone wants to see me, I need a little more planning in advance. Those requests have always been dismissed or I’d get a sarcastic reply and not get taken seriously. He’s a great guy and have have a great time together, but by not even attempting to meet my needs and requests, he’s showing me that he doesn’t really respect me – which I don’t need in my life. It can be small things like this that to someone else seem insignificant, but to the person constantly asking and being ignored, it’s a deal-breaker.
3. The Close People in Your Life Say or Do Things That are So Painful that it Knocks You Off Your Feet & Takes Time to Recover – and It’s Not a One Time Event. – I’ve had friends, boyfriends, and a fiance who’ve fallen into this category. This is the most dangerous but in my opinion the most devastating kind of relationship. When everything is great and you feel that they’re there for you no matter what, then unexpectedly they stab you in the heart worse than anyone possibly could. These are not the people who should be in your life without them getting help. There are obvious inner issues that they themselves are dealing with, or avoiding. To learn more about what may be the cause for this type of behavior, read or listen to (I personally LOVE Audiobooks) Attached : The New Science of Adult Attachment by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine. Somehow I kept falling into the trap of being attracted to and getting into relationships with very avoidant guys, and it was devastating each and every time. Finding this book and realizing what and why this was happening literally changed my life. This knowledge gave me the strength and support I needed to call off a wedding with a man who was amazing…oh 80% of the time, but when he wasn’t, it was so painful that it killed me a little more each time and made me lose myself. I urge everyone to read or listen to this book who’s noticed a pattern of dating guys who are perfect at first and then become unpredictably distant and sometimes hurtful. Relationships shouldn’t feel like a roller coaster.
Know what you want and deserve – and strong enough and wise enough to know when you’re settling or not getting your needs met. People will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated! Remember that! YOU choose what you tolerate and EVERYONE in your life should be adding something positive to it. KNOW YOUR WORTH!