We all have them. There’s topics or areas of us or our lives that we are extremely sensitive about. How that sore spot or insecurity developed varies, obviously. Our parents, childhood experiences, the media, etc all have an effect on us. We hear something, believe it, and then it becomes more and more real in our experiences. A lot of times those beliefs are so prominent in our lives that they literally get in the way of us living up to our true potential.
A lot of my clients find reasons for why they’re not where they want to be in their life. Things like “Women only date rich, tall, super attractive men” or “I’m not funny & outgoing enough to get girls”.
The thing is – people are in extremely happy relationships and most men AREN’T rich, tall, super attractive, or comedian-level funny. There’s PLENTY of short, bald average looking and earning men who are very successful with women and in all areas of their life. It’s all about what you believe.
That brings me to my own little story. And even though it’s uncomfortable to share, I’m going to do it anyway.
I recently started seeing a guy. Great guy. We’ve been spending tons of time together. In fact, in the 2 weeks I’ve known him, I’ve seen & talked to him more than anyone else in my life. We’ve talked about all sorts of topics. I’ve opened up a lot about myself and shared some intimate details about myself. One area that I’m really sensitive about right now is my body. I’ve really let myself go in the last 2 years and just haven’t been able to get into a consistent routine to get back in shape. Gaining 20 pounds sucks. I hate it. It’s on my mind constantly and really gets me down. I just started jogging again and eating healthy, and been feeling motivated. Seeing little changes here and there was exciting and the number on the scale was slowly changing. The guy, however, is in amazing shape and sometimes pokes fun and makes comments about the shape I’m in. Today’s jokes REALLY got to me. I’m usually really easy going and can definitely laugh at myself but I was shocked at how much this topic and his comment killed me. Like, it felt like a knife in the stomach kind of pain. My first reaction was of course pity and anger. How dare he be so mean while knowing how sensitive I am about this? What a dick! I just wanted to run away and never talk to him again. After letting it sink in a little, and getting my breathing back to normal, I started thinking more and more about Why I’m so hurt by this. It WAS just a joke and he wasn’t intentionally being hurtful. He most likely has no idea that I’m that sensitive about the topic and how insecure I feel about the state of my body. Removing him from the picture, I realized how MUCH of an insecurity this was for me and how I really need to deal with it. It’s ME who’s insecure and I know what I need to do to feel better about it. It’s ME who needs to accept myself and not need validation from anyone else to feel good. Nobody should be able to affect someone’s emotional state and confidence that much with just a joke. So, for me, I obviously will keep working on improving my body and reaching the goal that I made, but at the same time, I was shown a very sensitive spot that needed healing. It’s up to me to fix that.
So many times we’re broken on the outside and the inside and we look for others to bandage up that spot and run away as soon as they’re not covering up that wound. We look for partners who will accept our handicap and validate us instead of teaching us to heal and showing us areas to improve and grow. Insecurities are just that – opportunities for healing and growth. Areas of needed change. We need people in our lives to point those out to us. To love & accept us, but at the same time make us better.