As I sit here and write, I have a tear running down my cheek and it’s hard to breathe. There’s this awful pain in my chest that makes it impossible to take a deep breath. That pain isn’t from a childish insecurity or hurt feelings from a misunderstanding. It’s way more serious and significant. What hurts the most is the fact that this image of this perfect individual whom I’ve trusted with everything, faded instantly and I am slapped in the face with the reality of a flawed human. A real person, with flaws, insecurities, emotions – just like the rest of us.
The man I’ve put up on a pedestal fell off, and I sit here wondering why.
Why did I lose so much respect for him?
Why did those events affect him so much?
Why did I trust someone so fast, and with so much?
Why did I create this experience?
We had a fight. We both handled it poorly. Miscommunicated. Over-stepped boundaries. But the biggest thing that happened was I brought out a vulnerability in this man I chose, and I was turned off by it.
I don’t know why…
After dating for so long, and being in the relationships that I’ve been in, I realized that my biggest fear is disappointment. What I also realize now – is that I set myself up for failure with that mindset. I test strength and wait for weakness to confirm my belief – that no man is strong enough for me.
Why do I believe this? Not too sure – probably to protect myself from intimacy. From trusting fully and connecting fearlessly.
I share this with you because I want you to know that we are all scared little children underneath all of our masks. Who we portray to the world is only a protective armour hiding our fears. The only way to get over the fear of anything is to realize you have it and to face it head on.
Partners aren’t always or only about finding that fairytale ending and lovey dovey bliss. They’re there to help us rise, and learn, and grow, so that we can take on new places in life, experience new things, see new perspectives. Partners are there to be our safety net – to be the person who, knowing our fears and weaknesses, accepts us and are there for us, no matter what. They are not meant to be perfect, because neither are we. They act as our mirror, reflecting our own weaknesses and insecurities. Teaching us about ourselves, and helping us through this growth journey in life.
So I ask you – what is your biggest fear?
How are you unconsciously sabotaging yourself?
What belief are you repeating in your head that’s “protecting you” from intimacy and keep you in your Alter Ego mask?